The Affair that Says, “Good Morning America” By Kimberly Lapidus
As anyone who doesn’t live under a rock knows by now, TJ Holmes recently went from reporting the news to being the news. (Hahaha I know, I’m so damn clever lol.) For those of you who do live under a rock (shout out to Patrick S. from the little-known neighborhood of Bikini Bottom), it turns out that TJ Holmes (married to Marilee Fiebig for 13 years) and his co-host Amy Robach (married to Andrew Shue for 12 years) have been cheating on their spouses with each other for months. Such lovely people, right?
I’ll be honest. Writing about this is difficult for me, but not for personal reasons (it’s not like I’ve been cheated on or anything). I just find that their actions piss me the fuck off. I also find the story a little boring to be perfectly frank. And not because scandals are boring, but because we’ve heard this scandal a million times before with countless other celebrities. Do Hollywood people really not know how to behave themselves? Or are they all so desperate for attention that they suddenly become total assholes? Either way, TJ Holmes’ and Amy Robach’s bullshit is trending, so let’s see what I can write about this crap.
Let’s start off with what I don’t understand. This is not TJ Holmes first time playing hide the train in a tunnel with someone who wasn’t his wife. If this is his pattern of behavior, why are people acting so surprised about it? Do you know what I’m surprised about? I’m surprised that his wife stayed with him the first time he cheated. I’m surprised that no one cares that Amy Robach is barely even mentioned in articles, even though it’s her first time cheating. Shouldn’t we be more surprised about her than him? Apparently not. Let’s all be surprised by a behavior pattern that keeps repeating itself instead instead of a first-time incident. There’s some sound logic for you!
After the affair became public, Holmes and his wife filed for divorce on December 29 of last year. Can you imagine their poor, 9-year-old daughter? I can just imagine: Merry Christmas, Sabine! Daddy had sex with a woman who wasn’t Mommy so now Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced! Have a Happy New Year’s!
For God’s sake, couldn’t they have waited an extra month for the sake of the kid? Does she really need to associate the holidays with their divorce? According to some Christmas song, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” Well, not for this kid, because Daddy can’t keep it in his pants.
And here’s the kicker. TJ’s wife said she’s been “leaning on her daughter for emotional support.” Because that’s the kind of heavy responsibility that should be on every young child’s shoulders. Why the fuck can’t she find some adult friends to lean on? Why in the hell is she putting that burden on a child? Tell me, what child can handle that stress??
Now that I’ve ripped apart the people of that half of the scandalous affair, it’s only right that I rip apart the other side. After learning of Holmes’ previous affairs, Robach said she felt like “collateral damage.” Is she seriously playing the victim here? She knowingly and willingly cheated on her husband. But she’s the victim. Sounds like someone needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for her own actions.
But in all seriousness people, if you can’t keep it in your pants, don’t get married. It’s that simple. This isn’t the olden days where it was unacceptable to be an unmarried spinster at 19. This is 2023. You can choose to stay unmarried for the rest of your life and no one will care. Just please please please please PLEASE don’t be a dick. Because if you’re cheating on your husband or wife, then that’s what you are: a dick.